It is with a heavy heart that I must remove one star ⭐, or eggplant 🍆, from my previous review of my Mochi Squishies Squishy Toys Squeeze Random Animals Stress Toy Kawaii Squishies by Shovan, 30 Pieces.
Once it was confirmed by several hundred people that one of the MSSTSRASTKSbS30Ps I ordered was definitely not an Animal, and was, in fact, a Penis, it started to generate some tension in our household.
My Amazon Review for “Mochi Squishies Squishy Toys Squeeze Random Animals Stress Toy Kawaii Squishies by Shovan, 30 Pieces”
Dear Amazon –
I recently purchased your MSSTSRASTKSbS30P (aka Mochi Squishy Animal Stress Toys) for my son’s 2nd Grade “End of School” Treasure Box
As always, I relied purely on all of your completely legitimate product reviews to make my final purchase decision. Sure, I was a little suspicious that all of the reviews were 5 stars, in broken English, and submitted within the past month, but I was sold by Sunny’s critique about being “worried that the smell would be too heavy” but discovering that her “worry were superfluous” after receiving them.
If they pass Sunny’s sniff test, then that’s good enough for me! Read more
I am setting forth on a new adventure and working on putting together a book proposal. I have been honored to be part of several humor and parenting anthologies but writing an entire book is a whole new ballgame.
When putting together my proposal for prospective agents, I will be highlighting several examples of my work, one of which will be this previously unpublished treasure that my mom discovered while cleaning out her garage. Don’t be surprised if you someday see this 1980 classic, “The Dogs that Never Stoped Loveing,” on the NYT Bestseller list, (or back in the bottom of a box in my attic.) Read more
My psychosomatic pregnancy scare has influenced the approach I take when teaching my own kids about sex. Since preschool, my kids have known that boys have penises, not “wee-wees,” and that girls have vaginas, not “front-butts.” They also learned that babies are made when penises enter vaginas, not when 10-year-old boys sneak a peek at your underwear. Read more
You knew it couldn’t last forever, but still didn’t realize that the end would come this quickly and be so painful.
Mom 2.0 Summit 2018 is over.
Reentry to the real world can be hard, but you’re not alone. In fact, all 800 of us are drifting through our lives today wondering why these vaguely-familiar little humans keep asking us for things like “cereal” and all we can say is, “TWO DAYS AGO I WAS EATING MY BODY WEIGHT IN CHEESE BLINTZES AND NO ONE WAS ASKING ME FOR THINGS!” Read more
Even on a good day, there are quite a few reasons to be annoyed by school photo day.
You have to remember that it’s school photo day.
You have to fight with your kid about why for ONE DAY you would like them to consider wearing a shirt that doesn’t have a picture on the front of it.
You have to have them practice a smile that doesn’t look like they’re plotting the photographer’s death and/or hitting the peak of an acid trip.
But the absolute worst part of photo day is dealing with the purchase procedure of said photos.
Choose from backgrounds. This year’s selections included, “Barbara Walters 1984 Interview,” “Between Two Ferns,” “A River Runs Through It,” “That Scene From Gravity When Sandra Bullock Floats Away,” or “Underage Camp Counselor.”
Select from packages A-Q, ranging in price from a minimum of $20 to a maximum of infinity dollars, because of all the mind-boggling add-ons like puzzles of your face, and note pads of your face, and pillows of your face so you can put your face on your face.
Use the convenient “pay online feature” so your kid can keep saying, “there’s no money with the order form…they won’t let me get my picture taken if you don’t pay….I don’t think that code counts, I think they only take real money….”
Pay with a check, if you can find your checkbook, because, do they even make checks anymore?
Forget to put the order form in your kid’s backpack.
Deliver order form to school office and add to a 3″ pile of other forgotten order forms.
Today I am filled with mom-guilt. Since there are more types of mom-guilt than there are Eskimo words for snow, I should probably be more specific.
Today’s guilt (or at least this hour’s guilt) is Guilt Type #26: When you have to tell your child that you won’t be chaperoning their class field trip today even though you never missed any of his big sister’s field trips. Even worse, the aggrieved child reminds you about how you used to drop him off at a daycare for the express purpose of being able to attend his big sister’s field trips (Guilt Type #37.) To top it off, you may have kind of, a little bit, fibbed (or at least exaggerated) about the excuses for missing the filed trip (Guilt Type #26.B) Read more
I was recently subjected to the lowest of the low in Suburbia-shaming: I was reported to the neighborhood HOA Yard Police.
In case you ever find yourself in the deep pit of despair associated with being yard-shamed by one of your friendly neighbors, who is waving, “howdy neighbor!” at you one moment, only to duck into their car and shoot off a report to the HOA about you the next, here’s my experience to help guide you through your stages of grief.
For those not familiar with my Dusting Off My Parachute Facebook Group, each day we have a themed micro-resolution and Friday is F-It Friday, where the F can stand for Fix, as in, I’m going to fix that hole in the wall that has been bugging me for the past seven years. The F can also stand for the more traditional F-word, and that’s when we just say F-It and give ourselves permission to permanently delete something off of our to-do list without actually doing it, because, well….F-it. Read more
As a little “Thank You Thursday” inspiration, I want to introduce the concept of a “Grateful Wheel.”
You’re probably more familiar with the concept of the “Squeaky Wheel.” You know, that’s when we try to affect change by being very vocal and squeaky about our opinions and complaints.
Unfortunately, when we’re being squeaky, it’s often when we’re fighting *against* something instead of fighting *for* something.
The thing about being in Squeaky Wheel mode is that we often confuse noise with movement. We end up squeaking in place to make ourselves feel like we’re doing something, but we’re just filling the space with our noise and negativity and causing others to squeak even louder to try to be heard. Read more