My REVISED Amazon Squishy Product Review

If you haven’t read the original Squishy Penis Post, you can find it here.

Dear Amazon –

It is with a heavy heart that I must remove one star ⭐, or eggplant ?, from my previous review of my Mochi Squishies Squishy Toys Squeeze Random Animals Stress Toy Kawaii Squishies by Shovan, 30 Pieces.

Once it was confirmed by several hundred people that one of the MSSTSRASTKSbS30Ps I ordered was definitely not an Animal, and was, in fact, a Penis, it started to generate some tension in our household.

While it’s socially acceptable to keep a potential naked mole rat or questionable squid on your kitchen counter, people are less welcoming of a tiny, albeit cute, penis sitting (and he can sit, because for some reason he has a butt,) next to the fruit bowl. (And by people I’m specifically referring to two people: my husband who is deeply troubled by the sight of our 12 year old daughter booping it on the head every time she goes into the kitchen for a snack and my 8 year old son who keeps lecturing me that, “I think you should throw that inappropriate thing away.”)

Their concerns have caused me to do some serious introspection about my fitness as a parent and the messages I’m sending my kids, but my message last night was, “Bye kids – Mommy is taking Mr. Penis for a ride in the car to go to a school sex-ed presentation with her friends!”

The reason that we were going to a sex ed presentation is that I head up a group of parents in Austin who support inclusion policies for LGBTQ students, a big part of which is supporting sex-ed curriculum that covers LGBTQ topics and issues. (If you live in Austin and want to know more, visit InformedParentsOfAustin.com – If you live outside of Austin, visit GLSEN.org and AMAZE.org.) Our school district is proposing an amazing new comprehensive sex ed curriculum which I got to see last night, and who better to escort us to a sex ed talk than Mr. Penis?!

And that’s where the real trouble started.

On the ride to the sex-ed presentation, my co-pilot, Erika, took this picture of Mr. Penis. I should have noticed then and there that something wonky was going on with his left eye.

susannekerns.com — Yes, I know my dashboard is filthy – focus on the penis’s left eye, dammit.

As tempting as it was to bring him in and have him stand at attention on top of my travel mug of tea during the presentation, Mr. Penis watched over the car instead.

Perhaps he watched over the car too hard, or perhaps it was sabotage by one of the people fighting the proposed curriculum, but when we returned to the car, Mr. Penis had become Mr. Cyclops Penis.

Apparently Mr. Penis’s eyes are actually little, tiny stickers that are only made to last through two days of minimal use, which seems like a poor manufacturing decision for something that is marketed as a “stress release squeeze toy.”

Which brings me back to the original purpose of my purchase of the Mochi Squishies Squishy Toys Squeeze Random Animals Stress Toy Kawaii Squishies by Shovan, 30 Pieces: to fill an end-of-school treasure box for a bunch of 2nd graders.

Starting tomorrow, twenty-four second graders are going to be spending their hard earned class credits on the squishies I donated, which may or may not be in the shape of human genitalia. For the sake of teachers across the land, you better hope that all of those eyes stay firmly in place until the last day of school, because no teacher has time to fashion tiny eye patches for 29 squishies the last week of school.