My Amazon Squishy Product Review

My Amazon Review for “Mochi Squishies Squishy Toys Squeeze Random Animals Stress Toy Kawaii Squishies by Shovan, 30 Pieces”

Dear Amazon –

I recently purchased your MSSTSRASTKSbS30P (aka Mochi Squishy Animal Stress Toys) for my son’s 2nd Grade “End of School” Treasure Box

As always, I relied purely on all of your completely legitimate product reviews to make my final purchase decision. Sure, I was a little suspicious that all of the reviews were 5 stars, in broken English, and submitted within the past month, but I was sold by Sunny’s critique about being “worried that the smell would be too heavy” but discovering that her “worry were superfluous” after receiving them.

If they pass Sunny’s sniff test, then that’s good enough for me!

As I’ve come to expect from Amazon Prime, my MSSTSRASTKSbS30Ps were delivered at 6pm on a Sunday night by a delivery guy who ran them to the door like his life, or at least his job, depended on it.

I ripped open the package to show my 12 and 8 year old, who have enjoyed a wide variety of your Squishies.

“Now guys, these are going to the class treasure box, but you can each choose ONE to keep!” We sorted through the 30 pieces as the kids “AWWWWWWs” became progressively louder and more full of adorableness.

“AW – This one’s a cute kitty!”
“AWWW – Look at this panda bear!”
“AWWWWWWW – It’s a little piggy!

And then there was a pause…..”What animal is this, mommy?”

“Hmmmmm….I *believe* that the A in MSSTSRASTKSbS30P stands for ANIMAL, but kids, I’m pretty sure that THAT is a P, as in penis.”

Son: “That IS a penis! It even FEELS like a penis! THAT’S HILARIOUS! CAN I KEEP IT?!”

Me: “No, you can’t keep it, that’s not appropriate. Instead mommy’s going to put it here on her desk next to her Christmas Story Leg Lamp. And under NO CIRCUMSTANCES, with the threat of losing your Nintendo Switch for the entire summer, will you inform everyone at your class store who buys a MSSTSRASTKSbS30P with their hard earned credits that you have a squishy at home that looks and feels just like a penis.”

And that is the story of how by this Friday, all 1,100 kids at my son’s school will know me as “the mommy who has a toy that looks like a penis” and no parents will allow their kids to come over for playdates ever again.

Material-wise, they are dreamily squishy, like little magical marshmallows that will undoubtedly result in an emergency vet visit when my dog eats one. In related news, they attract pet fur like a mo-fo. They do clean up easily, unless it’s the penis one, which makes you feel like a dirty old lady when you soap it up, so it will forever remain sticky with filth, in more ways than one.

Rating: or, more appropriately, 🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆

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SusanneKerns.com

 

***** UPDATE ******* Things have taken a tragic turn of events for Mr. Penis. You can read all about it here.

 

For comparison purposes, here are the “Random 30” product shots on the Amazon site.  Note: no penises.

The rose is a nice touch, but what would really add some romance to this photo is a PENIS!
Kids: CHOKING HAZARD – ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY DO NOT EAT THESE – But here, let us display them with a variety of international utensils.
Sure, I know “random” means you don’t get all “chill kittys” but I definitely didn’t think “random” meant, “you might get a penis.”

 

SusanneKerns.com
This one is my absolute favorite…Where do I start?!? a) This is not “Ice Cream”. b) “Slow Rising” hahahahahahahaha c) Saying the fit is “as expected” is weird enough…but I’m even more concerned about the other 28% who got a fit that was NOT expected. d) The color is “Yellow Slipper” – which makes me wonder, “why exactly is the slipper yellow?” and, “do you know what yellow is?”

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