Let’s “Take Two” to Talk About Taking a Number Two

Today, in an exercise in efficiency, (and laziness,) I am combining Take Two Tuesday and Wish ‘n Well Wednesday into one handy post.

In my defense, there’s actually a good explanation for combining the two: My wish for your wellness is that you “take-two“….as in a #2

Yep, as in:

Take 2 For a #2

The inspiration for writing a post about going #2 appropriately came to me in the waiting room of my Proctologist, right about the same time I posted this on Facebook.



I’ve been sitting in proctologists’ waiting rooms since I was in my twenties due to chronic issues with hemorrhoids. Since I have a well-earned aversion to the H-word, I’m just going to call them “Piles” from now on, which is actually the proper word for them. It is also the french word for “batteries,” which has nothing to do with anything, except for the fact that I’m trying to think about anything but piles right now.

How does a woman in her twenties end up having dozens of pile-removal procedures which escalate into the grand finale of having a hemorrhoidectomy at age 40?

Part of me thinks it has something to do with my unnatural fascination with all of the Preparation H commercials that used to play during The Price is Right back in the 80s. I was a bit of a hypochondriac and wanted to make sure that I wasn’t going to catch whatever it was for. No one in my family would give me an acceptable explanation for what “inflamed hemorrhoidal tissue” was so I was left to rely on a very young Bryan Cranston, and confusing cartoons of “oxygen” bopping into what appears to be a large mosquito bite, to explain it to me.

Like that author of “The Secret” says, what you concentrate on, you manifest into your life….or in my case, you manifest into your anus.

The more likely cause of my piles of piles was a bit of hereditary misfortune combined with years and years of holding it.


Holding it because I didn’t want to poop among all my co-workers in the company restroom.

Holding it because I was convinced that every patron in every restaurant was timing the length of time between me entering the restroom and exiting.

Holding it because I didn’t want some boyfriend to know that I didn’t just store decades worth of food tidily in my intestines.

So, instead of facing a few moments of pooping embarrassment, I’m now paying penance by offering the ultimate embarrassment to the Pile-Gods by sharing my ass-woes with the entire internet.

Since most of you are moms, and you have become accustomed to pooping with a full audience, you have probably let go of your poo inhabitions.


But I’m hopeful that my pain can be your gain, and that you’ll pay it forward to the next generation. If your kiddo is having a poo issue, nip it in the BUTT (I know the saying is bud, but I couldn’t help myself.)

Here are a few handy articles for helping kids not get in the habit of holding it.

Parents.com – When Your Child Just Can’t Go

Today’s Parent – What to do When Your Kid is Afraid to Go Poo

And as a little reminder for all of us from WebMD:

Eat fiber. A good way to get it is from plant foods — vegetables, fruits, whole grains, nuts, seeds, beans, and legumes.

Drink water. It will help you avoid hard stools and constipation, so you strain less during bowel movements. Fruits and vegetables, which have fiber, also have water in them.

Exercise. Physical activity, like walking a half-hour every day, is another way to keep your blood and your bowels moving.

and of course…..

Don’t wait to go. Use the toilet as soon as you feel the urge.


Look forward to the next installment in my TMI butt series: “How NOT to Reflexively Punch Your Doctor In The Face During Your Post-Hemorrhoidectomy-Check-Up.”

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